Peace of Mind.

I'm at an interesting place in my spirit...a peaceful place...and I'm at an even more interesting place in my walk with Christ...a place of liberation. Over the past two years, I've struggled so much with living "in Christ"...when I first surrended totally to Him back in January 2009, I needed direction. I was hurting, I was broken, I was afraid, I didn't know who to turn to or where to turn. In hindsight I realize that instead of relying solely on God to give me the direction I needed, I grasped ahold of different people and places, looking to them for purpose: I entered friendships where I was spiritually, mentally, and emotionally abused, being ridiculed for any behavior that deviated from what that person or group of persons assumed to be righteous...I found myself in churches with man-based rule systems that made it impossible for me to be happy and still considered a Christian. I wanted so bad to do right that I ended up doing whatever I was told was right, never once realizing that much of what I was being told wasn't Biblical. Instead of being encouraged to love, forgive, be generous, not gossip, not lie, not cheat, or not steal, I was told that a relationship with God was predicated on how often I attended church, how much of the Bible I read a day, who I associated myself with, what type of clothes I wore, how many times a month I fasted, and other trivial things. I remember cutting myself off from all of my friends who didn't go to church every Sunday, who weren't in the choir...anyone who didn't LOOK like they served God wasn't someone I wanted to be around. I even donated and discarded half of my clothes, because I was told that anything I wouldn't wear to church, I shouldn't wear period...because after all, that was the only place a Christian should be anyway. Two and a half years later, I've stopped starving myself just so I could be accepted by arrogant Christians who assumed that being able to survive without eating made you some sort of supernatural being who was more close to God than everyone else. I've stopped spending all night the day before a test reading the Bible because I was afraid that God would be mad at me if I exchanged it for a school book. Instead of living in the bondage that I thought equated life in Christ, I've started actually living in Christ...and I'm happier, more fulfilled, and closer to God than I've ever been before. Being a Christian has little to do with church attendance, food deprivation, who's in your friend circle and what's in your closet...and more to do with what's in your heart. That doesn't mean you shouldn't go to church or that you shouldn't fast or that you shouldn't have like-minded friends or modest apparel, but it means that you should be the par instead of just looking it. What's the point of going to church every time the door opens, fasting every week, hanging around all the religious big wigs, and wearing three-piece suits everywhere you go if you're still a liar, still a cheater, still a deciever, and a still a hater...you look alive, but instead you're really dying... So now, I go to church, but I'm not of the church; I live in the world, but I'm not of the world...in fact, I like to refer to myself as "of God," because He is my refuge; in Him I live, move, and have my being; in Him do I belong. But even though I've found comfort in my individuality in Christ, I know that there are other people who feel like they don't fit in anywhere and aren't comfortable with it...I know there are people who feel like they have nowhere to turn...but I also know that there is a God who has a secret place reserved for people like us to reside...a place where there is only one direction to go, the direction of freedom. The direction where people who are happy are not labeled "sinners, the direction where living is not a sin. The direction where you can do what you want and be who you want without being incriminated because your aspirations aren't of a religious nature. I never want anyone to feel the way I've felt over the past two years...just because someone is in church doesn't give them any more of a right than a sinner to control your life. God is in control. And when we get into the Word like we need to, we'll be surprised at how much of the standards we've been living by are man-made and all the moreso frivilous.